It has come to the attention of the American government that a plague, more toxic and contagious than that of the Black Death or Ebola, is rampantly sweeping across our country. At this time, where the disease originated has yet to be confirmed.
Some government agents believe that a special type of radiation leaked from various news and social media outlets during broadcast, creating polyps in the limbic system of the brain, specifically in the hypothalamus, amygdala, and hippocampus. Scientists believe that people more genetically prone to host the disease are those who have an extensive amount of exposure to these media outlets.
At this time, the disease is considered airborne and is contracted within close proximity of the host; exposure being transmitted through microscopic droplets of saliva released during speech.
Physical symptoms begin in the vocal cords of the host, causing a tone of voice described as "grating, rough, and strident." This is followed by a swelling of the lips, particularly focused on the lower lip. At this point, large, unattractive wrinkles begin forming between the eyes and on the forehead resulting in an eternal, glaring expression, thus effecting the host's vision.
The polyps then move into the primary motor cortex which begins to effect the motor function of the host. This is mainly focused in the arms, hips, and neck. Carriers are often found with their arms crossed and resting on their upper abdomen. In some cases, particularly in women, the host may suffer from hip dysplasia to the left or right side of the body. Carriers with this symptom compensate for this misalignment by tilting their head to one side to off-set their balance.
Long term effects include vomiting, induced by coming in contact with a smile or optimistic personality, an overall decrease in physical and emotional health, and even death.
Initially, government officials mandated to approach possible hosts with extreme caution. However, due to the toxicity of carriers, the government has now determined this epidemic to be a national emergency and warns everyone to STAY AWAY from anyone that may be infected.
Again, this disease is EXTREMELY contagious, and carriers within close proximity have been known to suck all energy out of a room. If you believe you may have this disease, please discontinue ALL COMMUNICATION with others in your proximity, and go to the emergency room to be medically evaluated.
Currently, the government is seeking to approve a bill that will quarantine everyone infected in the hopes of avoiding a pandemic. Until bill approval, all hosts are being asked to wear a piece of duct tape emblazoned with the bio-hazard symbol over their mouths to warn all who are near to keep their distance.
